As a professional speaker, I know how it is. I face thousands of critics
every week called audiences. Not only do they rate me with their applause and
laughter (or lack thereof), but frequently they are asked to complete written
evaluations, providing feedback for the meeting planners. I want those meeting
planners to look like heroes, so I do everything possible to keep in top form.
That means that I embrace and value criticism. I study those "evals" and
listen to all comments, no matter how off the mark they may seem. And, even
though I've been speaking professionally for more than two decades, I still
pay speech coaches regularly to be my toughest critics.
If you want to advance, you need to develop a positive, flexible, and
creative attitude toward feedback. Here are some practical ways to toughen
your hide and change your perception.
1. Diffuse attacks. To give yourself breathing room, turn "attacks" of
criticism into information exchanges. The natural human reaction is to become
defensive and offer a list of reasons why the comment is untrue. This quickly
locks both sides into fixed adversarial positions from which it is hard to
retreat. Break the cycle. As hard as it may be, respond to any negative
criticism by immediately agreeing it may be correct. Then ask for more
specific details, enlisting the accuser as your ally in improving the
situation. You'll get lots of useful feedback, both negative and positive.
2. Use the Olympic-scoring rule. Throughout your life, you'll get a wide
range of commentary on how you're doing. Discard your highest and lowest
ratings. Bill Gove, past president of the National Speakers Association, said
"In any audience, ignore the ten percent who think you walk on water and the
ten percent who think you are no good at all. Then listen to the middle eighty
percent."
3. Consider the source. Do your critics have the right background and
experience to judge your work accurately? Are they in a position to give you
valuable input? You can't change to satisfy everyone. ("A camel is a horse
designed by a committee.") In my career, I've been given some really good
advice and some really bad advice. The key is deciding which is which.
4. Separate intent from content. Any negative comments about our actions,
appearance, or attitudes automatically seem very personal. Yet, amazingly, the
commenter may have had the best intentions. Recognize that different people
have different personality styles and communication skills. They may sincerely
mean to help, but deliver negative comments in a way that is hard to process
and accept. On the other hand, an ill-wisher often provides valuable insights.
Decide that it is never productive to take any comments personally.
5. Seek out criticism. Some jobs offer regular job performance evaluations
where employees get feedback. If you don't have such a program, ask for
personal feedback anyway, from both your manager and those you manage. One
successful AT&T executive sits down on a regular basis with his staff and asks
them, "What things am I doing well? What would like me to do more? What should
I do less of or stop doing?"
Recruit your customers as allies by asking them to be your critics. Don't be
defensive. Keep your clients happy by being as eager to please them as your
competitors are. In any selling situation, you're still selling after the
sale. It won't be long before a rival asks them, "What do you want that your
current supplier isn't providing?" Get the jump by asking the same question.
Seek out the criticism before your competitor does!
"When a customer offers a criticism," advises Bob Treadway, a Denver based
speaker, "invite them to be more specific." For example, if they say, "This
delivery should have come sooner!" ask them in a genuinely friendly tone, "How
much sooner, specifically, would you like it?" If they say, "You could have
done a better follow up," say, "Tell me how exactly you'd like us to follow up
in the future."
Treadway advises asking open-ended questions that can't be answered with a
"yes" or "no." For example, "How could we help you with that?" or "What
improvements would you like to see?" Then summarize what they have said: "It
sounds like we could do a better job if..."
6. Feed back your feedback. Paraphrasing what you've just been told helps to
eliminate misunderstandings, honoring and acknowledging the criticism, and
compelling you to really listen. "Nothing," Bob Treadway says, "demonstrates
better to a client, boss or spouse that you have heard them than paraphrasing
their statements." It also helps you to filter out and focus on the useful
information.
7. Protect yourself. We're not always in shape to cope with negative
comments. It's appropriate to give people feedback on the best time and way to
offer you feedback.
People learn to treat you the way you teach them to treat you. Dear Abby once
ran a letter from a slender, attractive woman whose Mother never failed to
remind her of how fat and unattractive she had been as a teenager. Dear Abby
suggested that she say, "Mother, let's not discuss that anymore." So simple,
yet so hard to withdraw permission after years of negativity.
It's your job to communicate that you will respond better if you can receive
the criticism in a different way, time, or place.
8. Don't expect everyone to love you. Praise and approval are wonderful. We
all thrive on them. But we all need a dose of reality now and then. Just
because people notice imperfections and point them out doesn't make them your
enemies. If you've armed yourself with a positive attitude toward criticism,
they are going to be your best friends.
(1,034 words)
